


Recipe for Summoning or Making Cake?

by No_egrets



Series: Summoning the dead lords via cake recipe [1]
Category: Darksiders (Video Games)
Genre: accidental summon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 07:56:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13267077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_egrets/pseuds/No_egrets
Summary: Ursa (Original Character) was getting some much deserved baking time in after work, but accidentally summons the three dead lords (Phariseer, Judicator, and Basileus) via a cake recipe. The question now is, how to get them home. From "Summon AU" prompts on Tumblr.





	1. Muffins?

**Author's Note:**

> “What do you mean you summoned me by accident?”
> 
> “I thought it was a cookbook okay, I didn’t know I was gonna summon an ancient demon of destruction (change that to three dead lords) by reading a cake recipe.”

“Half teaspoon of freshly grated nutmeg, half teaspoon of sea salt.”

It was late, way beyond the normal hour that she would be in bed. Still worth it though. Good thing I don’t have to work for the next two days, she thought while putting the ingredients together. 

“Two teaspoons of cinnamon, quarter teaspoon of ginger.”

Ursa suddenly felt a cloud of strange static electricity, but as soon as it appeared, the static disappeared. She looked around her apartment, but after finding nothing, shook her head and dismissed the feeling after noticing that her computer was still turned on.

“Mix the wet and dry ingredients together. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.” 

The temperature seemed to drop slightly. She rubbed her tattooed arms and quickly grabbed her knit cardigan that was hanging behind one of the chairs in the kitchen. What is going on here? Ursa wondered if she was either starting to get sick or just is in dire need of sleep. Sleep, she decided. I will go to bed after these muffins are done. She then poured the batter into the muffin tins and put it in the oven.

“Bake the cake for 30 to 40 minutes or until golden brown.”

As soon as Ursa said those words and set the timer, a loud crack was heard and she felt the temperature drop ten degrees. A shiver ran up her spine and she stiffened. 

“Human, why have you summoned us?” A rough bass voice asked. 

Ursa blanched and all colour left her face when she turned around. Three large, heavily armored, glowing zombie-like figures stared down at her. They had her trapped against the counter and all she had was a wooden spoon. 

“Summon wha..?” she squeaked, her voice three pitches higher than normal. 

The three dead lords watched as the woman’s face ran through a myriad of expressions before settling on looking extremely scared and confused. Basileus took particular delight in her distress and decided to suddenly shift closer and yell, “Boo!” 

Ursa screamed and jumped onto the counter. 

“Basileus!” Judicator bellowed at the laughing dead lord. He then muttered, “Humans, always so frightened, and Basileus never has any self-control.”

Ursa watched the exchange as the ghost with the locks reprimanded ‘Basileus’ who burst out laughing. She swore that the former rolled his eyes when the helmed ghost replied that he “couldn’t help it” and it was just too good to pass up. Judicator turned back to her, lifting his hands up as if placating a scared animal, “I… apologize for my… colleague’s… behavior. Now please, tell us what did you summon us here for.”

“I didn’t summon anything.” Ursa replied, slowly sliding back onto the ground. 

The scarfed specter, who was quiet until now, demanded, “Don’t lie to us, human!”

“Holy fucking shit. This is way too fucking late for this.” Ursa grumbled under her breath as she glanced at the time on the clock before turning to glare at the three specters, all thoughts of fear forgotten, “Look, I don’t know anything about summoning any one, let alone magic of any sort. All I know is that I was trying to bake some muffins using this!” She pointed at the book on the counter. 

“I read the recipe, and then here you are, damn near giving me a heart attack!” The woman then breathed out a sigh, trying to calm down, “Something must have happened that you were summoned here by accident.”

“What do you mean that you summoned us by accident?” the scarfed one asked suspiciously. 

Ursa threw her arms up in frustration, “I thought it was a cookbook okay?! I didn’t know I was going summon three ghosts by reading a cake recipe. I don’t even know who you are! You guys can go back to wherever you came from, for all I care.”

“You don’t know who we are.”

She shook her head. 

The lock spectre pinched his face where his nose used to be as if trying to get rid of an oncoming headache before straightening his posture, saying, “We are the dead lords who hold court for the Lord of Bones. I am the Judicator. This is Basileus and Phariseer.” Gesturing to his left and right, respectively. 

“It’s only polite that I tell you my name, I guess. I’m Ursa.” The woman replied. 

The fragrance of freshly baked muffins wafted through the apartment.

“What is that smell?” Phariseer asked.

“How did you…” Ursa stopped herself and decided to let it be, “That smell is from the muffins in the oven.”

“Muffins?” 

“Mm… they’re essentially little cakes.” She shrugged.

The timer went off not a moment later. Ursa quickly removed the muffins and put them on the table to let them cool, with the dead lords looking over her shoulder with interest. She went to put away the oven mitts and when she turned back, the three specters were still looking at the slowly cooling muffins. Ursa nearly laughed at the sight before clearing her throat to catch their attention. 

An awkward pause hung in the air. 

“May I have one?”

“Can you even eat?”


	2. False Cookbook

“This is very good.” Phariseer said, after finishing the last bit of the muffin he took.

“Um… Thanks?” Ursa was slightly perturbed by the fact that she just saw two of the ‘ghosts’ eat the freshly baked muffins. 

“You have not eaten anything in eons.” Basileus scoffed as he downed the first muffin, “Of course you’d think anything would taste good.” 

“You have not either.” Phariseer retorted, quickly slapping the hand that drifted down to grab a second one, “Nor would you eat another one of these pastries if they were not.”

Judicator watched his fellow wraiths with more vexation rather than amusement. Ursa watched him watching the two. She was tempted to reach out and touch him, but thought better of it. “Regular occurrence for you, eh, Judicator?” she joked cautiously. 

The specter growled irritably, “More than enough to last an eternity.” Heaving a sigh, he turned to her, “May I take a look at that ‘cookbook’ of yours, Ursa?” Judicator asked. 

She handed the old book over to the dead lord, “Have at it. Best move it over there though,” she gestured to the table, “I need to clean here.” Judicator drifted over to where the two other dead lords were, holding the cookbook. Did he just phase through the counter while solidly holding the book? Then again, the other two physically ate muffins, so how was that unusual? She rubbed her eyes. I really need to go to bed… She thought as she quickly washed the various bowls and utensils in the sink.

It wasn’t long before Judicator called her over. 

“What is it?” Ursa peered at the open pages of the old cookbook sitting on the countertop. 

Judicator asked her, “Have you used this book before?” 

“No.” she replied, “This was the first time.”

“Good.” The dead lord placed his hand over the book and uttered a short guttural chant. Whatever language that was, it was not of this world, but as he spoke, the cookbook’s superficial appearance burned away revealing an entirely different book altogether. 

This ‘new’ book looked more like an antique book with a hardbound leather cover gilded with gold. The pages were yellowed with age and had started fraying at the edges. What interested her the most though, was the fact that the pages revealed old English words among other characters which she could not identify. 

“What is this?” she whispered, taken aback by the transformation.

Basileus answered, “A book of ancient spells.” 

“Many of which are summoning and binding spells.” Phariseer added gruffly. “Where did you get this book?"

Ursa frowned, “At a second hand bookstore nearby. If I had known,…”

“You wouldn’t have.” Judicator assured her. “This enchantment is not readily broken by a novice.” 

“What is this bookstore? Do you not have libraries that contain this knowledge?” Phariseer questioned. 

“Well…” she rubbed her temple, racking her exhausted mind for a sensible answer, “This human world is pretty different than what you’re used to I guess, but to answer your question, yes, there are libraries. They are nothing like what you think it is and the bookstores are places where vendors sell books.” Ursa purposely left out using the internet for information. That would be best left for another day when she was actually awake.

Turning her attention back to the book, “How does this specific summoning spell affects you three? Are you essentially bound to this book? This place? Or to me?”

“We are bound to you until you release us.”

“So how can I release you then?” She asked. 

Basileus snorted, “This is the fastest someone wanted to get rid of us.” 

Ursa shot him a skeptical glance, “Don’t you want to go back to your own realm? No offence, but I don’t really want to keep feeding muffins to you forever.” 

Judicator let out a deep chuckle at the statement.

“So you do laugh after all.” Ursa teased, “I didn’t realize you guys were so expressive.”

Despite the lack of various facial muscles, the three phantoms somehow managed to look rather affronted, “We are not completely emotionless creatures.” The judge of souls replied. 

She smiled sheepishly, “All jokes aside, Judicator, you sounded like all three of you have been summoned before, what did the summoner do to send you back?”

“Summoners sought to control us, often for the desire of power over souls. Spells like this were made to bind us until the summoner has what they needed...”

“Or upon the death of the summoner.” Basileus gleefully added. 

Ursa froze, realizing how vulnerable a position she’s in. She then irritably brushed off the fear and snapped back, “I’d much rather stay alive, thank you very much.”

“Death of the summoner does not always guarantee our freedom.” Judicator added. He scanned through the pages of the spellbook, his expression darkening as he neared the end. “Whomever had written this book of spells split it in two and the banishing spells are in a separate book.” 

“Smart move for them, but not good for us.” The woman ran a hand through her hair in frustration. “And to think I bought this one unknowingly,...” 

She continued, “The old bookstore where this came from will probably be our best bet, but it is closed right now, so we’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning. I can’t guarantee anything, but I’ll try to help you break this bind however I can.” 

Phariseer asked, “What are we to do now?”

Ursa went to put the rest of the muffins in a container for another day, “Well… I suppose you’re welcome to test the boundaries of this place and what you can do. I don’t intend to control you in any way, but I do have a few rules.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t destroy this place or set it on fire. If you’re curious about the various electronic devices,” she said as she pointed to the fridge, the stove, the radio, and the television, “Please leave those alone, just ask me about it tomorrow morning, I really don’t have the energy to explain anything right now, let alone stay awake.”

“And one last thing, please don’t invite any entities over to stay, having you three here are more than enough. Other than that, you’re free to roam this place. Don’t scare the neighbours too much.” She concluded with a slight laugh. A heavy and cold hand settled on her shoulder before Ursa could turn away to go into her bedroom. “We appreciate your help.” Judicator rumbled.

Gently patting the gauntlet covered hand with her own, she smiled tiredly at him, “It’s the least I can do. Have a good night.”


	3. And a good morning to you too...

Ursa was startled awake to the sudden blaring noise of her television. She blearily wiped her eyes and let out an angry growl. The sight of the dead lords arguing over the remote control greeted her when she opened the door. It would have been somewhat funny under any other circumstance, but right now she was livid at the sudden interruption to her sleep. Ursa immediately walked over, grabbed the remote control, and turned down the volume. She glared at the offending party. At least Phariseer and Judicator had the decency to look somewhat guilty.

“I told you to ask me about it tomorrow morning. Why did you turn on the TV?” She scolded them.

Basileus simply answered. “We are bored.” 

My god, are you serious? She thought as she rolled her eyes at the reply. Children, they’re like goddamn children!

“How did you even know how to operate the it?”

“Other humans in their residences around you have similar machines. It was not difficult to figure out.”

She hissed angrily, “You could have at least also tried to figure out how to maintain the volume to an acceptable level and not wake up the whole damn neighborhood!”

“Nevermind that now!” She huffed. Ursa then pointed at the buttons on the remote and showed them the corresponding buttons on the TV itself. “Here are the buttons to change the volume, and there are the buttons to change the channels if you want to watch something else. Press the power button if you want to turn it on and off.” 

Without even waiting for their reply, Ursa strode back into her room, closed the door, and went to bed.  
***********

Ursa woke up again to her cell phone alarm ringing in the morning. Reaching out, she swiped the screen to turn it off. She sat up, feeling drained and tired, as if she did not sleep at all last night. Maybe it was from being startled awake from last night, she thought. Strange, I’m sure I slept well afterwards. Shaking her head, she grabbed her clothes, and opened her bedroom door. 

Into an empty apartment. 

Where did they go? Ursa wondered as she walked around her home looking for the wayward ghosts. She swore she talked to the three ghosts last night and treated them to baked goods. I wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating last night, was I? She thought as she yawned. The box of muffins sat there on the counter, half-empty, whereas Ursa was sure she made a full box of them last night (minus the two that were eaten). So at least part of her dream was actually reality. The woman shook her head and went into the bathroom, deciding to deal with that later. 

She was in the process of washing her face when she saw a strangely shaped, blurry green reflection in the mirror. She blinked several times in confusion, wondering if it was time to go see the optometrist. Ursa dried her face with a towel.

“You’re awake.” Came a deep rumble. 

“Finally.” Another disgruntled voice. 

“Nice undergarments.” Snicker. Ursa flushed red with embarrassment. She thought she heard the faint sound of an exasperated groan.

A warning growl, “Basi…”

“What? You were both staring as well!” 

Realization clicked when Ursa put on her glasses and every detail became clear, “What the… Jesus Christ! Get out of the bathroom! Can’t a woman have her privacy?!”

“What is that object on your face?”

Ursa blinked in confusion, “Oh? This?” She grabbed her glasses, “This is a pair of glasses, it allows me to see better.”

“You do not need them at night?”

“What…?” her brain just shorted out, not remembering that she had her contacts in last night. Ursa threw up her hands, “Why am I even having this conversation right now? Will you guys just go and let me get ready in peace?” she pleaded.

The images dissolved and she was left to her own privacy. Somewhat. 

“Hurry up then!” Geez Louise, can’t have a moment’s peace, people! Ursa thought as she muttered to herself, “How did I manage to summon the peanut gallery…? Could’ve been a nice relaxing day, but nooo…. I had to make those damn muffins last night. Stupid book. Stupid everything.” She then called out to the door, “It won’t kill you to wait. The bookstore isn’t even open yet and you’re already dead!”

Muffled grumbling was heard behind the door as Ursa finished up in the bathroom. She then opened the door to the three phantoms waiting expectantly.

Phariseer glared down at her, “Took you long enough.”

Ursa sighed as she set the kettle to boil and make herself a cup of peppermint tea, “There isn’t much I can do, Phariseer. The bookstore isn’t open yet and I can’t walk through walls. Maybe you can, but I doubt a book can go through a brick wall.”

“Might I remind you that we do know magic.” He replied.

She looked skeptical at this, “Are you sure that your magic works here the same way?”

Ursa grabbed her own book and handed it over to Phariseer, “Why don’t we test it out here first? Just to make sure this works if you don’t mind.”

Phariseer took the book and tried to scatter its existence like he would do with anything he needed to store while in the Dead Kingdom. However, while the book disappeared, the weight of it was still solidly in his hand. He then phased through into her room noting with annoyance that the book fell out of his hand just as it hit the door.

“What happened to our powers?” he demanded. Ursa growled back defensively, “Don’t look at me like that! Hell, I don’t even know.”

Judicator opened the ancient spellbook and looked over the spell that summoned them in detail again. He pointed out a certain section, saying, “This limits our powers in accordance to what the summoner desires. Since you summoned us accidentally at the time, our powers are limited to mere shadows of what they ought to be.”

Basileus huffed, “That explains why I couldn’t go beyond two abodes in either direction outside this place.”

“You must grant our powers back to us.” The judge stated. Ursa frowned at that. 

“How am I to trust you three? How do I know that you won’t turn your powers on me or cause chaos all around the moment your powers return?” she asked.

“You don’t.” Basileus responded.  
“Uh… that’s not a helpful answer.” She pointed out.

Judicator put a hand on her shoulder, “It is understandable that you do not trust us, but you will need our power in order to provide the magical energy for the spell to return us to the Dead Kingdom.”

“When you put it that way…” she trailed off, still somewhat unbelieving of what he just said. She let out a long breath and looked back at him, “I will think on it.” 

The other two were ready to object, but a glance from Judicator silenced them, allowing for Ursa to continue, “For now, one thing at a time. We’ll see if we can get that book first. You’re able to see through the books that are magically disguised, right?”

“Yes.” 

“Good. I will need your help when we get there.” By now her tea was cold, Ursa looked at it with slight disappointment before downing it quickly and grabbing her purse and jacket. A thought occurred to her as she put on her shoes, “Humans normally aren’t able to hear or see you guys, right?”

“Not unless they are gifted with the Sight.” Judicator confirmed.

“Okay. Let’s keep it that way. The less commotion caused, the faster we can get you home.”


End file.
